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City CC versus West End

Moving Target,, 1991

City

Wages: Ranges from a oner to 500 nicker depending on which pathalogicalliar you encounter.

Appearance: Matted hair, grimy complexion. Usually wear blackwith DMs or trainers, or cycling gear that's seen one too many crashes.-Slipstreaming one of these boys is like bathing in patchouli oil. Companybags carry new age words of wisdom: 'Fuck the Poll road tax', ‘All cabbiesare tossers', 'Crass' and 'Jim 4 Julie trew luv.' etc.

Bikes: Mountain bikes, squeaky, crunchy, mountain bikes, wrappedin inner tube, with back wheels doing the Lambada, save for a few socialmisfits who frequent the 'Hole'.

Attitude: ranges from dreary to deranged, on a good day.

Habitat: In the ‘Hole' @ Moorfields or just lurking in some shopdoorway scaring passers by and small children.

Distance: EC2 to EC2, EC3 at a push, EC4 and WCs or W1s induceheart attacks, temper tantrums and general feelings of Nausea common amongstpeople who are in shock.

West End

Wages: Ditto

Appearance: Oakley blades, shaved legs (a must lovey!), Descenteor Assos clothes and not forgetting the Timbuk2 bag and accessories, ie:dinky timbuk2 radio holders, condom holders, Oakley holders, pomp holders,purses for foundation, immac, mirror and separate compartment for thosecaffeine suppositories.

Bikes: This is domain of the Campag slags. The mere mention ofC Record Century groupset is enough to dampen the chamois of even the mostpo-faced Sohophile - the square where they parade their Cannondales andColnagos in between bouts of bitching. The West End poser is to be seenpoodling along on an understated British handbuilt, fixed wheel. Failingthat a custom made MTB kitted out in Campag Euclid and Mavic. Closer examinationof the gear set-up on some of these may show a liking for a 24-28 whichis strange 'cos London ain't that hilly! Mind you, Broadwick St to SohoSqu. can be a bugger with a headwind.

Attitude: Some of these characters need some serious one-on-onewith a shrink (weird as a bottte of chips nowaddameen?). Real steet snobs."Yo boys, smile sometimes and give your face a joyride

Habitat: Soho coffee shops such as the one opposite Nat. Mag.House in Broadwick street. This gives mere mortals the chance to gawp asthe sun glistens off their iridium lenses and the baby oil on their legs.

Distance: Much the same as the city except in reverse. 'Heroicvoyages into the city’ stories are rolled out in 'Il Panino’ of an eveningto the gasps of their fellow sycophants.

Do you recognise any of these characters? If you don't you now knowwhat to look out for and avoid. Contact with any of the above ca seriouslywarp a troubled mind. If you know of, or are one of the aformentioned thenI hope your therapist gets better soon.

- Scoop Smiley (The luv dove).

If you have comments or suggestions, email me at messvilleto@yahoo.com