Water From a Goddamn Holy Man

by Adam

Mercury Rising #2, November 1991

The signs were good. The signs were every where and as Jason weavedhis bike up California Street on that warm, electric blue evening, theytold him that he was about to experience yet another PERFECT MOMENT. Hewas entering the Buddhahood once more.

A half hour earlier, California was a three-ring circus. Large motorvehicles squeezing him off the road generally made him feel good. But nowit was barren and lonely, like a surreal landscape of the city of the dead.

He steered north onto Sansome. His data banks were overflowing. Biganswers to big questions could be found on an evening such as this. Inalleyways or in courtyards that couldn't be seen from the street but thathe'd been riding long enough to see anyway.

"Damn, I hate this job, he thought. The worst part is locking yourbike sixty times no. Signing into buildings...flat tires...my company.

A familiar pain shot through Jason’s knees.

What if the pain isn't really coming from my knees? What if it comesfrom having to deal with everyone down here in Zombieland? How could anyonerelate to such people? I especially hate those sorry secretaries who neversmile and daffy doormen who smile too much.

He flew down Sansome and pondered his most recent record setting mood-swing.Could it have been brought on by an acute kharmic reaction to a heinousdeed inflicted upon his fellow man? His radio, which had been barking outcommands non-stop was playing dead and for the twenty eighth time thatday, he made an old lady jump.

Hey Jay.

Jason turned and caught sight of his soul brother of the streets, Matt.Jason was happy to see him; they had lots in common.

What you been up to, Jay?

Oh, the same old thing. Playing on this dude’s record. Starring in somemovie. Heading for Europe. Learning to hang glide. How about you?

"Much of the same, ‘cept I'm also trying to make time to get drunkevery day.

Cool," said Jason. So anything of value happen to you today?

"Not really. Well, sort of I almost had to punch out this bum.

"Hey, can I ask you a personal question?

"Shoot.

"Well, Jason began, There are these two well dressed plastic-colouredyuppie babes standing off the corner waiting for the light to turn andI'm on a course to run right up behind 'em.

"Uh huh.

But as I get close I see that there’s this big puddle in my way andunless I veer off course dramatically, somebody’s gonna get all wet andprobably ruin their stockings or whatever.

A puddle?

"Hell, I don't know what it was doing there.

"A puddle. A devilish smile passed over Matt’s kisser. "I'dfuckin’ splash ‘em to Kingdom Come. What'd you do?

"I splashed 'em and now I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it."

Matt was livid. WHAT?

Jason shrunk back. It's just that, I'm really a decent sort...sort of.

"Decency has nothing to do with it! Matt shouted. "If yousplashed ‘em, they really must have deserved it; being little yupstersand all."

"I try not to hurt anybody, Jason offered meekly. "Not onpurpose, anyway.

"You didn't hurt ‘em, you got 'em wet big difference. How aboutall those days we gotta ride out in the pouring rain and they're scurryingaround like rats under designer umbrellas?"

"Yeah, I know.

‘That's right, Jay, don't worry about it. I mean, if anything, it'slike you did those chicks a favor."

You think?

Believe me. They gotta walk around in those nylons all day going frommeetings to lunches to elevator flirtations to home to TV to boring sex:The dumbest lives imaginable.

I guess.

It's like me and you, Jay, we're above all that. We don't live by theirlaws. As a matter of fact, we break many laws, everyday. The cops knowthey can't control us you know why? 'Cause we're above the cops!"

You got that much right, my brother.

Basically, Matt rolled on, "we are kings out here. This is ourturf and if they don't like it they can take a flying fuck out of our way."

So somebody got wet. Matt was smiling now. Those broads should be thankfulthat you cared enough to do it. No? Yes!!! It's the best thing that couldhave happened to 'em.

They were both laughing now.

WAKE THE FUCK UP, MOTHER FUCKERS! Think of that water as a gift fromyou to those sillier, less fortunate souls.

"Like a Baptism.

Right. Like water from a Goddamn holy man!

"Perhaps, Jason began, with a slow and glazed stare, perhaps theywill gain some enlightenment from the experience. I doubt it, but you neverknow."

A crackling noise emanated from Matt's radio.

Go to 655 Montgomery, Round Table Pizza, and pick up a 345 Spear. Oh,and be sure you sign in and use the freight elevator this time, huh knucklehead?"

"Ten-four, came the requisite response.

Within seconds Matt was obediently peeling away. Think about all I havesaid, young Jason. The future of the world depends on you.

For Jason, however, there was no longer a need to think 'cause the signswere good. The signs were everywhere. He was in the midst of another PERFECTMOMENT. He had entered the Buddhahood once more.

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